Reduced to Silence

Or should I say "just" silent. That has been where my heart has been these past few weeks. I am longing for silence and my little hermitage that was my novitiate. I am in the process of coming out of the cocoon guess. 

The summer offered some pleasant experiences and some very intense activities. 

My one constant this summer was my garden and still is! Although it has been full of hick-ups and Squash bugs. I was pleasantly surprised by it's fruition! I must say the process of sowing real seeds and reaping real produce has been awesome. Come visit me if you would like to try it out!

This summer marked the longest I have lived in one place since I graduated from high school (ten years ago). The opportunity to indulge in gardening has been awesome. I'm Growing "real" roots. In fact, of everything in my garden this year my carrots did the best! I think that is a good sign. 

Over the years I have been Peach 2! My time this summer with my sisters (Peaches 1 & 3) was great. The freshly picked peaches make a bold trip over the mountains and to the prairies.  They offer an explosion of juice and flavor to our little taste buds that runs all the way down to our elbows. I look forward to next season!

My theology studies have slowly been consuming my time and life. A joy I must say it is to be able to have the opportunity to study. Oh the places it will take me and has taken me...

Along with making vows... I have started a new job, in religious life we call it a new ministry. I am working at our retreat house! I am planning programs youth and young adults here and afar. It is a challenge to start a new job. But with many prayers and with lots of help from the Sisters and my friends, it is happening. 

Praying for you!

Fresh - the documentary!

Recent newspaper article that written for Year of Peace.

As our the Concordia Year of Peace continues, I am aware of the diversity of needs in our community and within my own day-to-day living. My question is: What do I rely on when I encounter these needs?

For me, living with the intention of nonviolence gives me freedom to be open to the possibilities of life. Nonviolence is a response and a choice to be free of violent structures, private and public, created to maintain power and control. My choice and ever-growing focus is having the courage to lead nonviolently.

My experience has taught be that to have that “courage,” I must first have skills. These skills involve, among others, the practices of meditation, listening and creative response.

The first practice is meditation. I have learned to simply sitting quietly for a while, with an inspiring author, a quote or Scripture reading. I let the words fill the pores of my soul. Letting the words become an action that starts in my mind and filters ever so slowly to my heart, permeating the very depths of my being. An example of this is a quote from Henry David Thoreau, “I went to the woods to live deliberately.”

This practice reminds me, the seeker of the nonviolent way, to be reflective and quiet initially. It allows each response I make to enter more deeply into the situation, seeing the needs of all involved and seeing beyond my reaction. This takes courage.

The second practice is listening. I was reminded a few weeks ago of the Chinese character for the verb “to listen.” The character is made up of the characters for the ear, the eyes, the heart and undivided attention.

Listening to the depths of what surround me is important and requires discipline. To truly listen — with the ear, the eyes, the heart and undivided attention — brings me wholly into a situation. I see this as a positive form of multitasking. This takes leadership.

Meditation and listening develop an inner and an outer awareness of my environment. These actions call me first to be an observer and to be informed. From this point, I can move into action, into my response to the need.

The final practice is creative response and building a nonviolent mentality. This is being able to think and act outside of one’s conditioned models of response. A few weeks ago I found an unexpected pumpkin vine growing in a flowerbed. Knowing that it did not belong, I considered my options: let it go and pay the consequences, pull it up and add it to the compost or transplant it to my plot at the new Concordia Community Garden of Hope. I choose to transplant the pumpkin vine, to give it another go at life. Now I have 25 feet of pumpkin vine and five little pumpkins — and the experience of finding a positive alternative.

Creative response and nonviolent mentality bring about freedom to be and to do things not bound by history, but by the present need and the present potential. Creative response and a nonviolent mentality contribute to being fully aware of the choices we have in our midst and the effects of the decisions being made. Creative response is compassionately entering into life for humanity.

-Julie Christensen

If we have no silence, 

     God is not heard in our music. 

If we have no rest, 

     God does not bless our work.  If we twist our lives out of shape 
      in order to fill every corner of them 
      with action and experience,
God will silently withdraw from our hearts 
     and leave us empty.
-Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

"Draw Me Nearer"

Jesus and Gandhi - ponderings

Who is Jesus? Who is Ghandi? What is Nonviolence? What is Peace?

I have been studying Jesus pretty intensely for the past few weeks, as he is present in the Synoptic Gospels, that is by Mark, Matthew and Luke. As of present I am finishing the Gospel of Luke. I have been studying the socio-historical and socio-cultural criticism of the gospels. Specifically my text books describe what Jesus encounter as he was raised by his mother. The history was Roman rule, grotesque power raging in the streets, life (of the vulnerable and poor) meant nothing. The society was plagued with intense religious separation of the honorable and dishonored, pure and impure. Jesus saw these things, knew the Israelite tradition and challenged those who maintained the structures of violence. He wanted to see concord among his contemporaries. He wanted to empower the powerless, encourage the courage-less, and make known the heaven that is in our midst. He commanded communion with our neighbor and acceptance of conflict as way to enter more deeply into the world where we live and the "world" we live in. 

I was also fortunate to have a few days of presentation by a wonderful Marquette University professor in Peace-Making, Terrance Rynne, he spoke on, among others, Mohandas Gandhi and his coined word, Satyagraha. Satyagraha is a firm hold on truth in action (and much more). Gandhi gave his life for justice, nonviolence and the oppressed. He was disciplined and well educated, and aware of the reality of his surroundings especially the people. 

Why do I hide with the curtain of capitalism, consumerism, and individualism... such wonderful people, such potential, such an abundance of power? My egoic desires are insatiable, unattainable and convincing. They reek of the sin of control, fear, fantasy and anger. 

Where is my prayer leading me, if not to disengage these things in my life. Where is my study leading me if not to freedom of these things in my life. The person I choose to control is me, can I do that? Can you do that? Can we do that, in order to live more aware of the life that surrounds us, more in debt to the Giver, more in love with the gifts that abound us and more at peace with being who I am, you are, at peace with being us. 

We are broken and alone, we are wounded and sad. 

We are happy and alive, we are gifted and inspired.

I have met Jesus, I have met Gandhi maybe not in person, but in spirit. In the actions of the people that surround me and in my own actions.  Have you met these people? 

"Be still and know I am God"

I suppose Psalm 46 this is a very common psalm, but something about it gets me every time. "Be still"... God is right here with us all the time. Loving me, accepting me, nurturing me and guiding me. How often do I believe that? How often do you believe that?

I know the second part of this antiphon is of no importance if I am not connected with the first. The first part, "be still," is a joyous, fascinated, filled stillness that is pregnant with life, love and happiness that is constantly giving birth. When am I going to see it for what it is, appreciate it and accept it?

Only then can the next part matter. This part shares with us the power of the pregnant stillness, the part that once we encounter, are no longer the same. This is when we are ignited with/by something much bigger than ourselves, guiding, nurturing, accepting and loving everything. Everything about me that I don't understand, everything about you that I don't understand. Loving everything. Loving everyone.

Actively I seek to know me and the people that surround me more deeply, more courageously, more freely. This kind of love breaks down my defenses, sweetens my sourness, soothes my cynicism and opens my heart to love as it was made to be and to do.

At the beginning of the novitiate a sister, who is very dear to me, gave me a watercolor portrait of this saying and still today, almost two years later it is always in view. Now I have it in my office, reminding me of the pregnancy that is every moment in life especially as I enter into my ministry.

I conclude with Psalm 46 ... "Be still and know I am God"

what else would it be and do?

daily examen

Last Night:

I have been working diligently on my Synoptic Gospel course, these past days. Focusing on my upcoming ministry has also been a huge thing in my life. (22 days till I am official here at Manna House) So it was rather late in the night, about 1:30 to be exact.

I was finally settling down for the night with my usual night prayer, The Daily Examen (to follow). As I was getting to the part on Gratitude, for which I have much to be grateful, the phone rang. I uncrossed my eyes, looked at my clock and I thought "seriously God."I went and took the phone call.

It was police department. Deanna, the dispatcher, calling, again. She was asking for hospitality for a transient. We have managed to have these midnight conversations twice this week, what luck! 

So I make the phone calls I need to make and we get things squared away... and I go back to conclude my prayer, eyes slowly crossing... and I think to myself. Gratitude. Gratitude is - simply - having a place to lay one's head and knowing it is gift. Gratitude that this poor man has a place to lay his head. Gratitude that I was in fact awake and could take the call. Gratitude is one less person sleeping without...

The Daily Examen is simple and reminds us to be ever mindful of God, of Love.

This is the prayer for "Finding God in all Things." It was developed by St. Ignatius back in the day as a reflection piece for his community, the Jesuits. The practice, still kept by many today, has tremendously unifying potential and allows us to continue knowing the experience of God in our lives every moment.

There are five steps to this process:

1. Become aware of God

2. Offer Gratitude for the gifts you have received

3. Become aware of your emotions or pay attention to what you are feeling

4. Ponder the experiences that you had and choose one to pray with.

5. Conclude with prayer for the next day and for a renewed attention to God acting ever so directly in our lives.

Namaste!

"God - an experience"

Paul Coutinho, a Jesuit(who rocks my world) from India via St. Louis, in his book - "Just as You Are" has this to say about God.

"God is not a religion, not a theology, not a belief -- God is an experience that takes you into the fullness of life. All experience is discovering the fullness of God, discovering the original face of the Divine, beyond all the titles and images. Through experience, I find my own identity in the Divine and see the Divine presence manifested in all of life." (chapter 1)

I came to know of Coutinho, while I was living in California last year. I heard him speak and was instantly drawn to his inclusive nature and his comfort in being himself, a creature and vessel where the Divine is ever-present. He speaks from his experience, born and raised to an Indian family that is Catholic. He is a gentle, humorous and intelligent guy who shares candidly about his experiences, especially of God. Can I do that? Can we do that together?

The first time I heard someone talk like this I was starry eyed and uninterested. I thought prayer was sharing with my friends about life, saying the Rosary, and telling God what I needed. And if I was in a bind... pleading with God.

My first experience of Silent Meditation scared me. I have lived in a very active, loud world. Silence was unknown, unlearned, unavailable! As I entered into this experience I knew life would not be the same, it was the experience that I longed for. I was a wild and rambunctious 23 year old seeking { }. I was sitting with two nuns with whom I was living in community. They taught me to pray and how to pray together especially with my experience.

For our communal prayer (among a few other things), we would sit in silence, listening to the Silence, allowing ourselves to breathe, and focusing with a prayer word or mantra, "be" "Love" "Jesus" "trust." Each time my mind wondered I was instructed to slowly guide it back with my simple word.

If you have ever tried this, me telling you that it worked perfectly the first time would be a lie! And a big one. I was a mess. My mind for those 10 minutes (shortened from 20 for my sake) was wild. I chose the word Jesus... (wanting to be pious because I lived with nuns) At one point I was repeating it so fast in my mind that I think I stopped breathing. I certainly missed the mark. But!

They were my first steps. Slowly entering into my prayer. Slowly saying yes to the Divine that resides within me, like a toddler who knows the word "no" so well and even when she means yes, says no.

I pray that we come to know ourselves, not in the eyes of our ego, but in the harmony, in the Divine, in the Love, that resides right here, right inside of me and all around me. Right inside of you and all around you.

What do you want to do?

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow of life..." -Henry David Thoreau

My mind wonders, my nighttime dreams stray far from my lived reality, and my fascinations are many. But my choice is much deeper... I choose a life intimately focused on living with one desire only, to live deeply rooted in my lovers abyss and in my lovers beckon, where everything-ness meets nothing-ness and we all embrace.

The Prayer

Love is simple.

Love is looking with compassion,

an empathetic heart,

and, ones undivided attention.

It is all we need.

It is all we are asked to do.

Take Lord, Receive

Take Lord, and receive

all my liberty,
my memory,
my understanding,
and my entire will --
all that I have and call my own.
You have given it
all to me.
To you, Lord,
I return it.
Everything is yours;
do with it
what you will.
Give me only your love
and your grace.
That is enough
for me.

Ignatius of Loyola

I desire Mercy, not sacrifice. Matt. 9.13

"Go and learn the meaning of the words, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." I did not come to call the righteous but sinners." Matt. 9.13

That is all. That is what I want to know, to feel, to believe. Mercy is it.

Mercy brings us to Love from Love. I only know mercy because mercy has been given to me. I have to choose to recognize it, claim it, and pass it on. It is a choice to believe in my ability to share the experience of mercy with everyone I encounter. Even if I am not sure it is deserved. I ponder Jesus' self gift of the Cross, there was no doubt in him. He was purely seeking mercy. For me, for you, for everyone.